I'm Dating an Officer and I need Advice.

[DixielandDelight]

I've been dating a deputy for going on two months now.Â* I've never dated anyone in law enforcement before, so this lifestyle is all new to me.Â* He is very dedicated and stays immersed in his cases.Â* He is also on the SWAT team, so he's pretty much always on call.Â*

Lately, he's been really stressed about work (and has a daughter from a previous marriage he shares custody of) and hasn't had much time for me.Â* I'm trying my hardest to be understanding, but sometimes it just gets the best of me.Â*

I'd really like to make it work with him because I think he's brilliant and deserves someone who'll treat him the way he needs to be treated (unlike the women in his past).Â* So all of the advice you can give me would be so incredibly helpful.Â* What can we do so that I don't feel like I'm being left behind?Â* How do I handle these moods he gets in where he's had "one of those days" at work and doesn't want to talk to or be around anyone?Â* ???

Help!
Thanks in advance!
Cleo

[Actiondefence]

Hi Dixie, and welcome!

I'm probably not the best person to be giving relationship advice, so I'll keep it brief!

A relationship should be 50/50. If it isn't then you both need to talk about what you want, what you expect and what you'll except from eachother.

Communication is the key! If you don't communicate then you both need to know why and both be happy with it.

My advice would be to have a good chat about it all and find out the answers then you can both decide if it is better for you both to stay together or better to part.


Hope this helps and hope you get it sorted!

[DixielandDelight]

Well, we'll see. Looks like this one might not last much longer. We were supposed to spend time together tonight, but it's almost 8 p.m. and he's not home and I haven't heard from him. Oh well...Thanks for the advice anyhow. Maybe things will work out, but if it doesn't, I highly doubt I'll ever date someone in law enforcement ever again.

Dixie

[Missy]

I have no experience in dating an LEO, but from a relationship perspective...

Only two months into the relationship? That's not a lot of time to form a proper "bond" in my opinion. You seem concerned that he has "stood you up" as he hasn't called you yet. Are you worried at all? My first reaction would be concern for his safety. Then again, it sounds like you almost expect this type of thing from him.

From the limited info, it doesn't sound to me like he is making this relationship a priority at all. I would suggest either laying back and taking things as he is and see where it goes, or do as ActionDefence suggested and talk it out. Maybe he isn't ready for a commitment of any type right now and doesn't realize it (the desire to simply "be with someone" can easily ovetake rational thought!).

Good luck to you. :)

[familyessentials]

Hi
Law enforcement and LE families are a different breed. They live with the fear that the worst can happen and also with the realization that disappointments abound since schedules change frequently and usually at the last minute. Coming home late and not calling are a part of this life as is "worry".
I would suggest that you look to see if there are any SPOUSE academies or other informational programs for family members. These often address many of the concerns you express while at the same time offering info about the LE lifestyle. It isn't always an "easy" life but its one I wouldn't have changed for anything. There is nothing "traditional" about the lifestyle when compared to the outside world. Expecting that we would live like the "normal-- 9 to 5 Monday thru Friday world" would have meant that I probably wouldn't have adjusted to the lifestyle and also bred problems in the relationship. Unfortunately this happens all too often as the high divorce rate in LE will suggest.
You mentioned that he was stressed-- that is a big part of the job. Being supportive and not demanding when the load is high can be very helpful.
It may sound like we expect the LE relationship to be all one sided with no give an take-- not at all! But the mechanics of the job usually can't be changed. One either learns to adapt or they don't.
Your relationship is very new- give it a chance. Try to learn about the job and the lifestyle. Some departments have family support programs-- check it out.
Take care. and Good Luck.

[DixielandDelight]

Well, things are a bit better than they were, but I've decided to give him (and myself) and bit of space. (He isn't aware that I've made that decision though, and he needs a bit of time to miss me a little.) I realized that dealing with his issues, I had lost quite a bit of myself along the way and was overgiving, and that just isn't who I am and it's not fair. I've always been horribly independant and had men chasing after ME, and with him, it felt like I had to chase after him because of his erratic behavior and schedule. Needless to say, I got a little bit of a dose of what I had been giving to others in the past. I'm willing to make this work, and I have a feeling that it will all be just fine. It's just something I have to learn to get used to. I always said I didn't want to be with someone who would smother me, so this has certainly taught me to be careful of what I ask for.

Dixie

[mjhdt07]

Hi Dixieland,
I have a few things to say coming from the point of veiw of a fiance to a cop ( LAPD, talk about some heat).
My cop is a Boot ( roockie) and has been since we meet ( he hits P2 staus next month, I'm so proud)The first year is about the hardest although if your guy is Swat then you have it tough and it is also something I may face, they are on 24 hour call, can't drink, etc. Often have to leave their kids birthday party cause they get called in.
Work and family are hard to balance to begine with with regular 9-5 desk jobs, but this is a whole new level. To the woman who said we are our own breed, you are so correct in that statement.
Cops wives and S/O are a people who learn how to live last minute, change all their plans and deal with everytime you say " have a good day at work, I love you" it might be the last.

My guy has done all shifts there is changing every two months during his first year, he flip flops schedules with only 24 hour notice to adjust, he has to study, shine his gear , on days off he shops, catches up on working out and does other errands like hair cuts and dry cleaning.
In the meantime he manages to spend time with me, he does very well as I've seen no man do who does a regular much less stressfull job.
We now do our errands together, even hair cuts and working out which also keeps me fit and motivated. I love coocking so have him for dinner when ever his schedule and my own alows.
We watch movies and we email, got phones in a family plan and text each other ( I get a text while I'm already at work now when ever he gets off work so I know he's safe). and we send pictures thorugh our phones.
We send cards and letters when ever we can even though we live in the same town.
He also manages to spend a little time with the guys once in awhile and no, that does not take time from me, thats when I go with the girls, have my own time.

He talks on his cell phone to me and his family while driving to and from work in LA traffic.

His days off are often filled with court dates ( I'd rather have my guy in court all the time and on probation for what he does than alot of guy's are in court or on probation for!)

For christmas he got me the book " I love a cop" which is the greatets and not just for the spouce and fam but the cop to, there are lines in there that say something like " if you can't deal with ------- you don't belong married to a cop".

I have to keep from panicking when he doesn't text or call and he should have been off 4 hours ago ( always OT, he doesn't go hit it up at a bar ) and I have to make myself give it time before calling the station to make sure it's just OT and nothing else.....once this went on for 7 hours.
I have to deal with the critisism citizens often have for cops, grind my teeth and not give them a peice of my mind like" I'll bet you'll be calling 911 when your house is shot up by gangs though huh?" It's not exactly the Ghost Busters you call.

I deal with the press that LAPD gets ( no, my guy wasn't one of the Compton guy's) and sometimes I have to keep my opnion to myself if I don't agree with something a cop does because they are " his brothers" although he has the same frame of mind when needed, it;s like I can say stuff about my own mamma but he'd better not agree type of thing.

I am on oposite schedules of him at the moment, so we see each other very little and miss each other so much, but we remember how much we love each other and do everything we can to see each other, talk or read/write to/from each other.

It's an odd life and soon we will be get married and add kids to the mix, kids who's soccer games he just might have to miss ( but always watch later with them on video)but his kids will also know he's out there keeping the world a safe place for them.

I had one time I complained a bit about the lack of time partway thorugh our relationship but quickly realized I either delt with it, prepared for it and was strong enough for it or I needed to leave cazuse it wasn't going to change. I am here.

My guy is so busy and tired and stressed but he also gives what he gets in our relationship and sometimes he goes farther than that.
I often get candle lit dinners, roses, and special nights of romance. picnic's in the park and other things that he spends time on to show he loves me.

Your guy can be busy with a hard job and should be understood and respected but also he should alwasy make some time, it is possible.
It often depends on how much " enough time" for you is, or how understanding you are or needy even, it's different with eveyone, evaluate and ask yourself some questions.
1. Where do you think this relationship is heading? Could it be a possible marriage?

2. Eve if you can deal with it now could you deal with it in marriage and with kids?

3. can you handle him doing a dangerous job?

4. can you be supportive ?

5. Can you realize when it's normal stress and quiet mood from him and when it's time for counceling if needed?

6. Does he attempt to give you time and attention?

7. Does he always have to go out a drink with the guy's before coming home to you?

There are more that but I am sure some other S/O's can jump in.

when ever you need support you can also find some one here to get it from, and questions answered as I do on many of these posts.

[Missy]

Great response, mjhdt07! Sounds like you and your fiance have things under control. That's great to hear. :)

We wish you the best!

[Dakmeg]

It doesn't get any easier being a female officer either. Picture myself coming home late and my husband wondering where the heck I've been - I don't have time for those problems. Police officer relationships must be open to the problems of policing. Sometimes we can't take breaks, come home on time, etc. I can't even count the number of times I've paid at a drive through and then had to leave to go to a call before getting my meal. Police relationships must be strong. If your mate picked you it has to be because they saw a strength in you that they felt was compatible to the job. I feel that every person is put in your life for a reason - you have the choice to listen to the message they give you and act or go your own way. The only way you'll land a law enforcment officer is to lighten up and learn compassion. Something your mate already has - compassion for humanity - it's a learned trait. One time I came home - my boyfriend had made me dinner :) I said can you pack it for me I just left a call where an elderly lady hadn't eaten and she was so lonely - I thought I'd go eat dinner with her and share. We gave up our time together so I could be with a total stranger to make that person feel better. It's not always easy having a relationship, but I've been married for 18 years and it works for us!
Just because we stay out late, work long hours etc. . . doesn't mean we don't love our mates - it just means we have a calling and we are answering it :).